Affairs in Central HQ
by 94 Bottles Of Snapple
Summary: Manga-verse & Frank Archer. Mainly Royai. Some OCs, slight KimbleexOC . Zolf Kimblee decided that things in Central weren't quiet at all. And if something was even disturbing to him, perhaps it was time to get out of Central and back to that prison.
1. The Beginning

**This is mostly for a good friend of mine, so there may be some (or many) moments where people are out of character. Bear with me, it'll be fun, I promise. Anyways, the general plot is just the inner goings-on at Central HQ, which consists of a ridiculously tangled web of affairs. ;3 Scandalooooooouuuuus!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing that has to do with Fullmetal Alchemist (either the manga or the anime… s (counting Brotherhood)). If I did, this wouldn't be a fanfiction. Duh.**

Zolf Kimblee was very dedicated to work. This was proven by the fact that, having absolutely no assignments, he was wandering aimlessly around Central Headquarters. There was nothing to do! Archer had given him a month of free time, to 'prep' for some big mission; probably to cause a bit more mayhem on Amestris's borders. Also, the man had insisted he be in 'top shape' for the mission. The alchemist scoffed. He'd been fixed up by that creepy doctor the higher-ups kept around for no apparent reason; after a boost from a Philosopher's Stone, he was perfectly fine! But nooooooooooo…! … Anyways…

It only took about half an hour of wandering the military building to discover something. A revelation, if you will. The military personnel in Central were very awkward human beings. Awkward… But perhaps interesting. Something to amuse himself with.

Major-Sorry, _Colonel_ Flame was avidly avoiding his paperwork, but clearly admiring his Lieutenant, Miss Hawkeye, though she had a gun pointed in his direction as motivation to continue signing the ridiculously large pile of papers in front of him.

Armstrong was being his usual disturbingly happy self, but a double-take showed something far more interesting in the office of Colonel Frank Archer. An argument.

"You pompous creep! I'm not slaughtering innocent people like that- You have no right to send us out there to kill-!"

He didn't recognize her; someone new, perhaps? Incredibly opinionated. The argument seemed to be reaching its boiling point, and the Crimson Alchemist couldn't help but lean casually in the doorway and amuse himself with watching it.

"You'll do as you're ordered to, Lt. Marshall! You forget your position!"

"You just want the glory Roy got from Ishbal; let me tell you, Ishbal was hell! And it doesn't matter anyways; you'll never measure up to half the man Roy is! And- and you'll never be able to replace Brigadier General Hughes!" she snarled, stance proud.

Her mention of her deceased superior seemed to quell the flame in her eyes. She turned to Major Armstrong, a cynical, cruel smile on her face.

"And… I don't plan to work under Colonel Archer forever… Do you, Major? I'll climb my way to the top… clinging to Mustang's coattails if I have to. Good day, gentlemen."

Though her final mention of the Flame Alchemist was more formal, her previous burst of anger had given away how close she actually was to the man. Like one of his loyal subordinates. Lt. Marshall barely spared him a glance as she strode out of the room, head held high.

"Interesting woman," Kimblee commented.

Archer let out an aggravated sigh and the Crimson Alchemist smirked. Yes, maybe this time off would be amusing after all…

"… I'm going to see the Fuhrer," Archer said finally, voice still strained with anger.

He said nothing further, storming out of the room, and Kimblee shrugged, dropping into one of the chairs in the room. Idly, he picked up a pen, wondering exactly what his probably-OCD superior would do if he blew it up.

* * *

Luckily for the Crimson Alchemist, he was missing something outside the Fuhrer's office that would have disturbed even him. Archer had, though without any particular reason to see the man, followed his statement and ended up outside King Bradley's office. His secretary, a young redhead looked utterly bored out of her mind.

"Miss Dawson," came Bradley's voice suddenly over the intercom at her desk. "I'm feeling a bit thirsty; would you send in some tea?"

With a small shrug, the woman stood, but Archer moved to stop her.

"… I'll get it," the pale man insisted.

Alice Dawson blinked twice, taking the moment to comprehend what he'd just said. A high-ranking officer lowering himself to the level of 'Fuhrer's gopher'? She sighed, rolling her eyes and nodded, sitting back down at her desk.

Off went the Colonel, to get tea for the Fuhrer. He succeeded in this mission easily, of course, merely brewing some in the break room on the second floor of Central Headquarters. And then, he started back to Bradley's office. That's where things got complicated.

"… Why are you carrying that tray of tea?"

Archer stopped abruptly, turning to look at General Hakuro.

"It's… For the Fuhrer," he admitted hesitantly, but looked ready to continue on his way.

"You're bringing him his tea?"

Now, Hakuro wasn't one to be outdone, especially not by a lower-ranking officer.

"… Don't worry about it, Colonel, I'm sure you have plenty of things to do. I'll just take this the rest of the way," he suggested generously.

"I've got it fine," the pale man insisted, eyes cold and somewhat overly menacing, considering the frivolousness of the situation.

"Have you?" Hakuro sneered.

Colonel Archer stuck up his nose snobbishly and continued on his way. General Hakuro raced after him, but being older and also slightly more… Rotund… Didn't help his cause, and he was still a few steps behind Archer when they reached the room where poor Alice Dawson sat, carefree, at her desk.

The peculiar fight caught her attention immediately, and she stopped scribbling on a random piece of paperwork to watch, dumbstruck.

"I'll give it to him!" Archer insisted shrilly.

"You? Ha! I bet you can't even brew tea right!" Hakuro returned.

They continued to bicker, saying many more things of a similar nature. It soon came to blows, though Archer had the sense to place the tray down on Alice's desk so it wouldn't spill and render the battle completely useless. After a few minutes of staring at the two grown men wrestling over a tea tray, Alice had had more than enough; her eyes couldn't handle much more. Swiftly grabbing the tray, she knocked sharply on Bradley's office door.

"Alice? Is that my tea?" King Bradley asked pleasantly, apparently not hearing the commotion outside his doors.

The redhead said nothing and simply walked in, tea tray in her hands.

"Your tea, sir," she stated unnecessarily, placing the silver tray on his desk.

Then she settled herself in one of the chairs in front of his desk and watched him pour the tea. He began to take his first sip, but then paused, looking at his secretary oddly.

"… You're dismissed, Miss Dawson; you don't have to stay in here."

"I know, sir," Alice said dryly. "I'm afraid, though, if I had to watch the commotion outside any longer I might become absent from my duties for a very, very long time."

Unperturbed, Bradley poured another cup of tea and handed it to his secretary.

"Thank you, sir," she mumbled, startled at the show of kindness.

"Well, I can't lose another secretary can I? Why, just this month, we've lost two. It would be a shame."

Alice nodded in agreement, sipping her own cup of tea. They stayed there contentedly, ignoring the next half hour of tussling outside the door. Thankfully, after that time, the men had worn themselves out and realized that the tea was no longer where they'd left it. Seeing Miss Dawson missing as well, they figured out that she'd taken it in to the Fuhrer herself. Dejectedly, both men trudged back to their offices.

* * *

When the door slammed open, Armstrong jumped. Kimblee just remained where he sat, though observing the crestfallen expression on his superior's face. Especially uncharacteristic, considering Archer's temperament. Of course, no one would know what to make of the man's behavior unless they'd actually witnessed the incident. With a huge sigh, Archer slumped into his chair, and abruptly laid his head on his desk, sobbing loudly. Kimblee didn't ask.


	2. The Secret Chart and Babysitting

It had only been two days. Two days of complete… Utter… Boredom. Once again, Zolf Kimblee was roaming the hallways, while also contemplating the benefits of slamming his head against a wall with the damage it could do to his brain. He was about to dismiss all the cons of said damage when a slightly open door caught his eye.

The door itself was one of the regular, bland Central doors, but the person in front of it was easily recognizable. Lt. Marshall, who had been arguing with Archer a few days earlier.

"What are you-?"

She whipped around hurriedly, but then shushed him, eyes frantic. Looking at her oddly, the alchemist just shrugged and walked closer. He followed her gaze around the edge of the doorway, and immediately backed up away from the opening.

Unfortunately for him, the matters of Central were far too big of a secret to be kept, and he'd just walked in on one of them. Behind the door had been two people… Two people who probably shouldn't have been together under those circumstances. After all, it was an incredibly public knowledge among Central employees that the bookworm Sheska was in a long-term serious relationship with Warrant Officer Falman. So it was kind of a shock to see her wrapped in the arms of one Lt. Jean Havoc.

Before Kimblee could even begin to say anything, Lt. Marshall slapped a hand over his mouth and dragged him to a room down the hall. She let go once they were inside and flipped on the light.

"What's going o-?"

The Crimson Alchemist lost his train of thought when he caught the Lieutenant marking on a huge chart on the wall of the room.

"What is that thing?" he demanded, walking up and scrutinizing it.

It was a huge list, a flow chart of sorts, with the Fuhrer and his wife at the top, and scaling all the way down to the rank and file soldiers. Kimblee even noticed his own name on a branch off from Archer, and Armstrong and Lt. Marshall, whose first name was apparently Liana according to her chart. Upon closer inspection, there were many colorful lines connecting a lot of the people on the chart.

"Oh…" Liana sighed, biting her lip.

Finally, she shrugged.

"I guess I can tell you… It's the affair chart."

"… Affair chart…?"

Liana grinned, giving Kimblee a smug look.

"Surely you know…? Even a little. That display back there should have tipped you off. Central Headquarters is a goldmine of affairs and adultery. So… I'm keeping track of it all, right here. After all, as I'm sure you've noticed… There's not much else to do here."

He nodded absently in response, getting up close to the chart. It seemed there were many, many people in Central with secrets. Very interesting secrets. He noticed that Liana was tense at how close he was, her shoulders were set firmly, and she tried to shuffle off to the side a little without alerting him.

The alchemist smirked to himself. Liana's own secrets were all too easy to spot. Saying nothing, he walked out holding up a hand in farewell, while resting the other casually in the pocket of his white suit.

* * *

Meanwhile, across the building, Roy was having a TERRIBLE DAY. Not only did he have more paper than usual, Riza was… Babysitting. And not just anyone, no. She was looking after Selim Bradley. Mrs. Bradley had come to the building to visit her husband, and had left her son in Riza's care. Not that that was a bad thing, really. Anyone could see that Riza was probably the most qualified to watch a kid. But really! That kid… He was so… So… Agh!

Now, Roy was a mostly mature adult, and was far above being jealous of a child. But that kid… There was something about him that seemed somehow overly smug that Riza was paying more attention to him than to Roy. It was just… What an obnoxious-! Agh!

"Say, Mr. Mustang! I heard you make your fire from explosions you make by manipulating particles in the air. Does that mean you use explosions a lot like Mr. Kimblee?"

"…"

"Say, Mr. Mustang, I heard Daddy saying he gives you some of his extra paperwork from whenever Mommy visits," Selim commented sweetly, drawing little stick people on a blank piece of paper supplied by Riza.

"I-is that so…?" Roy muttered in response, fingers twitching as he glared at the kid.

The first half-hour had been simply over-eager questions about everything in the office. But this, this was way worse! And Riza expected him to do paperwork in an environment like this? As if sensing his train of thoughts, Riza flipped out her gun and aimed it at the Colonel without even looking over at him. All was silent for a few minutes as Selim sketched. Finally, he finished, and proudly handed his little picture to Riza.

"… Say, Mr. Mustang…" the boy began finally. "Where do babies come from?"

If Roy had been drinking coffee, he would have done a spit-take all over his paperwork. Luckily, he wasn't drinking anything, and only choked on his own spit. The Colonel was floored. A child like that, asking about that… Shouldn't he have been asking his parents about stuff like that?

"Er… Ah… Well, that is… When a man and a woman… Er…"

Riza sighed, rolling her eyes at the sweating officer.

"I'll explain," she said brusquely, taking the young boy from the room.

The two returned a few minutes later, and Selim went happily back to coloring on paper.

"… What did you-?"

"Storks."

Riza didn't elaborate further and just sat down next to Selim, viewing his pictures. Roy took her second of distraction to smile at the motherly expression on her face.

His moment of fawning abruptly ended the next second. Selim had given Riza a hug after a small compliment on his drawing, and buried his face in her chest. Roy stood abruptly, eyes flaming. He was about to do something drastic when the door slammed open loudly. The Flame Alchemist looked up, ready to attack anyone who dared interrupt his mission of justice!

"…"

"…. S-sir! What are you doing here?" Roy questioned, saluting immediately.

"I'm here to pick up my son, of course!" the Fuhrer laughed. "It looks like you've certainly done a good job taking care of him, Lt. Hawkeye!"

"Thank you, sir," the blonde smiled, leading Selim to his father by the hand. "He was very well-behaved."

"No, thank you, Lt. Hawkeye. Now, I can't exactly pay you for this, seeing as we were supposed to both be on duty at the time so…"

He held out his arms cheerily, with a large fruit cradled in them.

"Melon?"

"Er… Thank you, sir," Riza mumbled awkwardly, accepting the strange gift and waving off the Fuhrer and his son.

Roy slumped forward, slamming his head down onto his desk.

"Never. Again."


	3. The Meddling of Maes Hughes

**Disclaimer:** **Blah, blah, blah, I'm poor and don't own anything except my brain and the characters I make up, woohoo…**

Roy sighed heavily, resting his head in his hands. It hadn't really been all that long… Since Hughes died. Not very long at all. It didn't seem possible that he was gone; as if he could show up at any moment with a ridiculous amount of family pictures, or calling Roy up to tell him the stupidest things. Especially that one phrase he seemed to like the best. Just to suggest, ridiculously that-

Ring!

Roy shook the thoughts away, picking up the phone and answering it formally.

"It's hard to get friends high up in Central! Find yourself a good wife!"

The voice was bright, cheery… Maes. Roy slammed down the phone, hands shaking. His breath was quick and uneven. How could anyone… Why would anyone do that… Why…? Stumbling, he stood and speed-walked out the door. He couldn't get the voice from his head… Couldn't take it, couldn't-

Slam!

* * *

Now, Lt. Hawkeye was always paying attention. It had become a habit, since her superior was so reckless himself. She had seen Roy come out of his office. She had been coming to the room with another stack of paperwork for him, and was going to scold him for avoiding it when she saw the look on his face. Troubled, in pain. … The paperwork could wait. Riza had no doubt that most of it was probably the Fuhrer's anyway, and that he pawned it off on Roy as a joke.

As was natural, she sidestepped, intending to go around him and just place the papers on his desk. Unfortunately, this was where things got messy. Some unseen force shoved Roy harshly to his left, where he toppled into his surprised Lieutenant. Papers went flying, and the two officers toppled to the floor. Their position was awkward and compromising… But it was only made worse by a snapping noise and a quick flash.

* * *

Just afterwards, one Zolf Kimblee leaned into the hallway to see what had happened. His eyebrows arched at seeing the two, and a wolfish smirk turned up the corner of his mouth. Despite this, he said nothing, closing the door and going back into the room he'd been previously occupying. As he did so, he noticed something placed haphazardly on the grouping of desks inside the office that were there to seat subordinates.

Curiosity overruled his better judgment, not that he usually paid attention to it anyways, and he picked up the photo. It was immediately familiar, being a snapshot of the scene he'd witnessed mere seconds before. … But he'd been the only one in and out of the room… Right?

* * *

Many other officers in the building also received mysterious pictures of the same event. This was, in fact, including the Fuhrer himself. After seeing the picture he roused himself enough to make the trek down to Roy's office himself.

Roy had only just found out about the pictures, and had been sending his officers everywhere to attempt to retrieve them, when the Fuhrer showed up. His gaze was stern, and he silently held up the picture that had somehow found its way to his desk.

"I-I can explain, sir-! It-it's not what it-!"

"That's enough, Mustang."

* * *

At that same moment, Lt. Marshall was opening the door to her secret office casually. She let out a shriek in surprise seeing someone already inside.

"K-Kimblee!" she snapped. "What are you doing here?"

He smirked, but didn't turn to look at her, merely shrugging and continuing to mark on the 'Affair Chart'.

"Get out, get out!" the young woman demanded, trying to shove the alchemist out of the room.

"Relax," he muttered amusedly. "After all, you yourself said it… There's nothing else to do here."

Liana narrowed her eyes dangerously.

"This is my chart! I don't want you in here!" she argued, stomping her foot angrily.

"What? Are you afraid I'm gonna find something out?" Kimblee suggested. "You're not that stupid, are you? To put anything you do on here?"

"I'm not- This isn't- I'm not like everyone else here!" Liana muttered, bristling. "Plus I'm… Not dating anyone anyways. So it doesn't matter either way!"

Nothing was said for a few moments, and Liana realized what had happened.

"… You were distracting me from trying to kick you out!" she gaped. "… Well, get out! I'm serious!"

The alchemist finally gave in with a shrug, strolling casually out the door. Liana huffed, exasperated.

"He better not have ruined anything…" she muttered, scanning the chart.

Everything seemed pretty intact. … Wait a minute…

There was a small line drawn in red that definitely hadn't been there before, connecting two people it definitely shouldn't have been. A simple stroke was drawn between the names 'Liana Marshall' and 'Zolf Kimblee'. Liana turned and rushed out the door.

* * *

In that instant, Roy was sweating bullets as Bradley stared him down. Since he'd been cut off trying to make excuses the first time, he hadn't said a word.

"…"

Riza stepped into the room holding a stack of pictures and preparing to shred them, when she noticed the Fuhrer.

"S-sir!" she stumbled, saluting.

"Ah, Miss Hawkeye," Bradley greeted. "… Well, now that you're both here, there's something I'd like to say."

The two officers waited with bated breath for their punishment…

It never came.

"Congratulations!" Bradley exclaimed, a large grin overtaking his features. "You know, my secretary and I have been taking bets on how long it would take the two of you to become a couple. Tell Major Armstrong and Lt. Havoc they owe me 1500 sens, will you?"

With a casual wave over his shoulder, Fuhrer Bradley skipped off merrily. Roy and Riza just stood there blinking dumbly for a few minutes. Finally, Riza came to her senses.

"… Sir, who… Do you think took those pictures?"

Roy shook his head, smiling.

"Someone who really shouldn't be meddling in other peoples' business."

A laugh echoed softly in the room, and a piece of paper fluttered to the ground. Riza set the pictures on Roy's desk and picked it up.

A small doodle of Maes Hughes grinned up at her. Next to the picture were five words.

'Took you two long enough!'


	4. Valentines Day Disasters

**Author's Note: ****I'm sure with the plot as it is, there's little room for doubt that I'm stretching the timeline a bit thin, but bear with me, people. Since I have only one chapter idea left at this point, I will now be doing my Valentine's Day chapter. Enjoy!**

Lt. Marshall leaned back in her chair, gazing contentedly at her chart.

"… It is Valentine's Day, isn't it?"

The startled woman shrieked, toppling from her seat and onto the floor.

"Kimblee!" she snapped, shoving her hair out of her face to glare up at him.

"It just seems like this is the least romantic place to be on a holiday all about love and romance and everything…" he shrugged, smirking.

"Oh, I was just thinking of posting this in the break room," Liana bit back, dusting herself off and righting her chair.

"You're worse than me sometimes," the Crimson Alchemist muttered, shaking his head.

Liana squared her shoulders and looked sharply away from him.

"Hah… You're the one going around… Pulling ridiculous stunts, messing up my chart-!"

She didn't give the alchemist any time to speak in his defense, and stormed out of the room. As the door slammed shut, Kimblee sighed loudly, scowling. Shaking his head and muttering, he sat down in a chair, pulling off his white hat and setting it on the table.

"… Women."

* * *

Incidentally, the bomb-happy Crimson Alchemist wasn't the only one having troubles on Valentine's Day. Despite the obvious answer of Lt. Havoc's troubles (which were magnified drastically, as Sheska had given up the ghost and told Falman about their affair), Roy Mustang, of all people, was having a difficult day.

He had gone to the trouble of buying a bouquet of flowers from the flower woman who worked for the Armstrong family, but now did not possess the courage to give them to Lt. Hawkeye. He was fiddling with the bundle of roses on his desk when Riza herself came in carting another load of paperwork. She didn't seem to notice the flowers, and brusquely set down the papers before attempting to leave the room quickly.

"Lieutenant," Roy called. "I was wondering… Are you busy tonight?"

He was missing a great deal of his confidence and charisma, but Riza had to smile gently, still facing the door.

"… Sorry, Colonel. … I have… Plans tonight," she told him, sighing to herself.

Of course, she really didn't, but Riza knew how reckless her Colonel was. Besides it being bad for them to have a public relationship anyways, Lt. Hawkeye was also aware of the Colonel's many female 'friends'. She bustled out the door after speaking, and left Roy sitting at his desk, completely at a loss.

"… Plans…?"

* * *

As it turns out, Miss Dawson was having a very eventful Valentine's Day as well. As she plucked petals dreamily off of a daisy, two men stormed up. One hardly needs to speculate to figure out that it was, once again, Colonel Archer and General Hakuro. The former carried a large bouquet of yellow roses, while the latter was holding a large box of dark chocolate.

"Gentlemen, I'm flattered," Alice intercepted dully, reaching out to grab the gifts.

"They're not for you!" Archer hissed snootily, pulling the bouquet out of reach.

"And you're not getting in to see the Fuhrer, so deal with it!" Alice snapped, eyes narrowed.

General Hakuro smirked at that, and went to take another step forward.

"You either," the secretary ordered, scowling.

"You- You just want him all to yourself!" Archer accused, puffing up in anger.

"Yeah, so?" Alice shrugged, grinning lazily. "By the way, King Bradley doesn't like the color yellow, and he likes tulips better than roses anyways. … And getting him dark chocolates? That's all wrong for his tastes!"

Archer burst into tears, but Hakuro had more composure and just twisted his mouth into a frown. Just then, Mrs. Bradley breezed by with a bundle of lavender tulips and a Snickers bar. Alice wordlessly stepped aside, gaze following the First Lady fondly.

"W-what? Why did you let her past?" Hakuro demanded.

"Uh, she's the First Lady, duh!" Alice explained slowly, rolling her eyes. "… Besides… She's so… Dreamy…"

"WHAT? You can't have them both!" the general shouted.

"Why not? That's what you're trying to do," Miss Dawson smirked knowingly. "Don't think I don't know what you and my darling Rosaline Bradley have going on…"

Hakuro paled.

"H-how do you know about that…?"

"… I have my sources," Alice grinned.

To tell the truth, Alice Dawson was one of the few people who knew about Liana Marshall's 'Affair Chart'. The two hadn't talked much, since Alice had been hired recently, but they both shared a penchant for relationship gossip, and Central was a goldmine.

"Anyway, you'd both better leave if you don't want me spreading your little secrets around," Alice warned, shaking her finger at them.

Defeated, the two men slunk away, leaving the roses and chocolates on Alice's desk.

"… Now, what to do with these…?" she mumbled, eyes sparkling with mischief.

* * *

At that exact moment, Roy Mustang was… Er, 'stealthily' following his subordinate, Riza Hawkeye, in an attempt to find out who exactly her Valentine's Day plans revolved around. No luck. She had visited a few people, grabbed a coffee from the break room, and taken over babysitting Selim when Mrs. Bradley went to take some Valentine's Day gifts to her husband. The Flame alchemist was interrupted in his spying (excuse me, 'investigating') by none other than a more-cheerful-than-usual Alex Louise Armstrong.

"WHY, ROY MUSTANG! WHATEVER IS IT YOU'RE DOING? SHOULDN'T YOU BE OUT WOOING YOUR DARLING MISS HAWKEYE?"

Roy flinched at how unnecessarily loud the major's voice was, especially concerning such a delicate topic. Riza, all the way down the hall, heard it, but ignored the comment completely, still trying to keep herself from thinking about what a lovely time she _would _have been having, had she only accepted Roy's proposal for a date…

Unluckily for her, Selim Bradley had also heard Armstrong's loud remark.

"Oh, did Mr. Mustang ask you to go on a date, Miss Hawkeye?" he asked innocently, grinning up at the blonde woman.

"Eh… Er, Selim, I don't think-"

"I saw him bring in a big bouquet of pretty roses. I bet they're for you!" he grinned.

Riza paused, startled. Roses…? He had even… She sighed, running a hand through her bangs.

"… I'll be right back, ok, Selim?"

He nodded, waving as she rushed down the hall and turned the corner. Then a creepy smile lit up his young face.

"I'll be waiting… Right… Here," he smirked, letting the tiniest sliver of his homunculus personality slip through.

Unfortunately, his shadows had run off without his permission, and one of the eyes saw exactly what his parents were doing in the Fuhrer's office.

"Oh," he muttered, making a face. "… OH. …EWWWWWWWWWW!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Riza ran straight into Roy in her haste. He caught her before either of them could topple over, and, being tactful for once in his muscular life, Armstrong slipped silently from the scene.

"I-I lied!" Riza choked out. "I… I didn't have any plans… I was just… Worried for you! With the military… I could put you in danger… Be a liability… I'm sorry!"

Roy smiled, then, and ruffled Riza's blonde locks.

"I would rather be in more danger with you, than be a little bit safer but having to worry about where you are and if you could get hurt when I'm not there," he told her. "Now, come on. We need to find something to wipe those tears off your face, Lieutenant."

* * *

Alice was grinning widely when Liana stormed up to her desk sulking.

"… Oh. … Nice gifts," Liana smiled, upon seeing the yellow roses and dark chocolate. "Who did you get them from?"

Alice shrugged coolly.

"Oh, they're not for me," she smiled, winking. "They're for you. … From a certain psycho alchemist; apparently, he is very good at picking out gifts."

"S-stop joking, Alice," Liana mumbled, though stepping towards the gifts all the same. "Who are they really from? And for, for that matter?"

Alice shook her head.

"I'm not joking," she said seriously. "But you know, he looked a little upset when he showed up a few minutes ago. I wouldn't put it past him to be exploding little office supplies when he gets moody, and that at the very least. You might want to go find him."

Liana bit her lip and hurried from the room. Alice smirked, thinking about the small confrontation she had had earlier with Kimblee. Also, Liana had forgotten the flowers and chocolate.

"Ah, well," Alice chuckled. "She'll get them eventually."

Then, the secretary leaned her ear carefully against the door, eavesdropping on the Fuhrer and his wife with a grin on her face.

* * *

When Liana reached her secret room, she heard small explosions through the door. Bursting in, she found a mostly-composed Zolf Kimblee in the process of blowing up a desk. As she entered the doorway, it glowed, and then exploded.

"W-wow…" the Lieutenant muttered, awed.

The alchemist whipped around in surprise, but immediately regained his composure.

"Oh, you liked it?" he grinned sadistically.

Liana rolled her eyes, blushing and looking away.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. … And… And thank you."

That seemed to startle him, and send him back to his usual cool and collected demeanor.

"For the flowers, and stuff," Liana continued reluctantly.

"… You're welcome."

They both leaned closer slowly, slowly-!

"OH. …EWWWWWWWWWW!"

Startled, they both jumped back and slammed open the door, peering down the hall. Standing in the middle of the hallway, covering his eyes and screaming bloody murder was Selim Bradley.

"Dammit, Pride…" Kimblee growled under his breath.

"Hm?" Liana mumbled, looking up questioningly at the alchemist. "What? Did you say something?"

"... No. Nothing."

He walked off down the hallway, leaving Liana standing questioningly in the doorway.

"Ok…? … ! Oh, he left his hat…"


	5. Riza Hawkeye is Surrounded by Crazies

**Author's Note:** **Please excuse me if this chapter is a little off; besides not having any substantial ideas, I am also somewhat ill…**

Alice Dawson was very upset. She had been bothered almost constantly since Valentine's Day by Colonel Archer, and she was about to snap.

"Now," the Colonel told her snarkily, "you are going to let me in there or-"

Alice slammed her fist down on the intercom button.

"No, I'm sorry Colonel Archer, _sir_," she spat, glaring at the man. "I _don't_ know anywhere nearby that sells extra small condoms!"

The already light-skinned officer paled more and fled, a mortified look on his face. Alice grinned triumphantly.

"That ought to do the trick," she muttered after letting up on the intercom button.

* * *

At that exact moment, there was a meeting going on in the basement level of Central Headquarters. A meeting of the Riza Hawkeye Fan Club. Yup. They were three strong; Selim Bradley, Barry the Chopper, and one incredibly creeped out Lt. Havoc.

"I think we just need to get Mustang out of the way," Selim told the others cheerily. "He's a complete nuisance and is using up all of Miss Hawkeye's time."

Havoc turned slightly green at the bloodthirsty smile on Selim's face. Thankfully, it was a sight he didn't have to witness for very long.

"Selim, sweetie!"

It was Mrs. Bradley calling for her son. He gave an aggravated sigh.

"Meeting adjourned," Selim sneered.

Havoc took the opportunity to flee the premises of the basement after the boy, just in case Barry the Chopper went into one of his… 'Episodes'. He ended up outside the building before he realized it, and decided that a well-deserved nap break under the large oak tree out front was in order.

* * *

The object of the Riza Hawkeye Fanclub's obsession was, unbeknownst to them, currently on her way to get some coffee from the break room. She's been lugging mounds of paperwork to Roy's office all day, and her weary arms needed a serious break. Upon entering the break room, though, she was startled to see…

A panda.

In the break room.

Sipping coffee.

"… Um…"

"Ah, Lt. Hawkeye! How nice to see you!" the panda exclaimed in an incredibly familiar voice.

"Um… President Bradley… Sir…?"

"Ah, I suppose you're wondering about this," he said cheerily, gesturing to the costume. "I like to do things like this every once in a while when my wife visits to surprise her."

That didn't make any sense to Riza, but she nodded like she understood his logic anyway.

"Actually, Hawkeye, I was about to go looking for you myself. I think we need to have a nice heart-to-heart chat."

"Um… Ok, sir…" Riza stammered, completely flabbergasted.

"Now, I need to know very honestly, Hawkeye," Bradley told her very seriously.

Riza waited tensely for a few seconds as the Fuhrer paused to take a sip of his coffee.

"… When exactly are you and Mustang getting married? My wife is anxious to know."

Riza sighed, shaking her head.

"I… Uh… Don't think anytime soon, sir," she insisted finally, pouring herself a mug of coffee and shuffling quickly from the room.

"Tell my wife I'm in here if you see her!" Bradley called after her.

Riza nodded and continued down the hall, wondering why, _why_ did she have to work with such incurably strange people. But President Bradley's mention of a wedding brought Riza's thoughts immediately around to her date with Roy.

It had actually been a rather pleasant thing, despite her misgivings. Roy had bought them dinner at a nice little family restaurant, and then given her an admittedly far-too-large bouquet from an older lady he seemed to know that had a little flower stall set up along the street. And then they'd taken a walk through the park nearby, just talking.

Riza wouldn't admit it to anyone, but the feeling of Roy's warm hand in hers was so incredibly comforting that she had to forcefully berate herself internally to let go at the end of the night.

She was in so much of a flushed daze over her thoughts that it took Riza a few moments to realize someone was playing music right next to her. Turning her head sharply, Riza had to stop herself from jumping back at the sight of Major Armstrong strumming what seemed to be a mandolin and humming. He stopped when he noticed Riza's bewildered stare.

"CARRY ON, MISS HAWKEYE! I AM PROVIDING MOOD MUSIC FOR YOUR ROMANTICAL MUSINGS!" he exclaimed in a (hopefully) unintentionally loud voice.

Riza shook her head and took a large swig of coffee to clear her head. Then, she ducked into the nearest room and locked it behind her.

Preposterously crazy coworkers. Why her, _why_…?


	6. Bears & Fanclubs & Paper Clips, Oh My!

**A/N: Sorry for all the delay! I still don't own FMA or any of the characters you recognize, sob sob. I'll get over it, I suppose.**

Alice Dawson was very tired.

VERY.

TIRED.

Colonel Archer was giving her so much trouble that she hardly even cared anymore to peek in the small keyhole of the President's door and watch him sign papers. It was usually one of her favorite daily activities. It was very clear that Miss Dawson had many, many slow days.

But it was due to this incessant boredom and weariness that she was able to come up with a plan. The next person (who wasn't Archer) to walk past her desk would be forced to take her place for a while. Alice really needed a coffee. And to set some traps for Archer around the building. It would make her life easier, right?

So Alice planned and schemed and waited. And waited. And… _Waited_.

AHEM! I said 'AND WAITED'!

… And it just so happened that an unfortunate military personnel happened to appear. His name happened to be Zolf J. Kimblee. Not the first person Alice would have chosen to 'guard the keep', as it were, but, as she thought about it, perhaps the best one.

He, of course, was surprised by how daring she seemed, grabbing his arm and dragging him over to her desk.

"You," she ordered firmly, a slightly demented glint in her eyes that many would feel seemed reminiscent of his own, "are going to stay right. Here. You are going to guard this door. If anyone, ANYONE, but especially that infernal Archer tries to get in, you are going to stop them. Am. I. Clear?"

Now, being exactly who he was, Kimblee was not at all accustomed to being ordered around like that.

"You do know that I work for Colonel Archer, right?" he asked, more curious than anything.

She just grinned angrily.

"And I work directly for the Fuhrer President. You have my permission to attack him if he tries anything."

And then she ran off to do who knew what. And Kimblee figured, hey, how many chances do you really have to blow up your boss with no repercussions, right? So he sat down at the desk. And waited.

* * *

Alex Louise Armstrong was a very observant man. Or so he liked to believe. And, after all, what other possible interpretation could there be for a large bear trap in the middle of the hall than that Central Headquarters was experiencing some form of terrible bear infestation?

Alex Louise Armstrong was not quite as observant as he liked to believe. He didn't even notice one Miss Alice Dawson very carefully setting the trap and muttering about pale Colonels and sweet, sweet revenge.

She, in turn, didn't notice his atrociously loud shouting.

Which, in hindsight, was actually quite impressive.

In any case, he loudly proclaimed his mission to hunt for bears in the basement of Central HQ and sprinted off on his impossibly muscular legs. They're a family trait, you know.

Passed down the Armstrong line for generations.

* * *

Once finished with her trap-setting, Alice headed for the break room and a large cup of joe. It would be very refreshing, she mused happily. A reward for a job well done.

She didn't quite make it that far. True to her shared nature with Liana as a gossiper, she couldn't just ignore the noises coming from the janitor's closet. Right?

So, sneakily, she cracked open the door.

She really didn't need to be so cautious.

General Hakuro and Mrs. Bradley were too busy having very… Heated… Contact with each other to notice anything but the vicious game of tonsil hockey they had going.

Alice flushed at the sight. She was still VERY VERY upset about the affair going on between Hakuro and Rosaline. After all… Beyond wanting Rosaline Bradley all to herself, Alice felt the woman made a very smart match with the Fuhrer, and had no reason to cheat on him at all, let alone with… Eugh… Hakuro.

Careful not to slam the door shut, tempting as the idea was, Alice stormed the rest of the way to the break room to get some coffee. She was going to ENJOY this break whether she wanted to or not, darn it!

* * *

Zolf Kimblee didn't handle boredom well. But he was pretty sure that blowing up random office supplies wouldn't be very fun. And then he found a whole drawer of paper clips.

Well… Alice never specified that he couldn't mess with anything, right?

* * *

Meanwhile, in the basement, the Riza Hawkeye Fanclub was having another meeting. Not much was really being done, but hey, it was the thought that counted.

The meeting was unfortunately cut short by a loud booming on the metal basement stairs.

"BEWARE, BEAR MENACES! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU INFESTED THE GREAT HEADQUARTERS OF THE CENTRAL MILITARY!"

And Major Armstrong crashed into the boiler room, fists (and pecs) ablaze with his 'muscular glory'. Any real bear would have fled on-sight. Too bad for the Riza Hawkeye Fanclub, Armstrong was blocking the only exit. Their only chance for survival (okay, so they were being a little dramatic, but what good was a super-secret fanclub if not to be a little dramatic, right?) was to hide behind a large pipe.

It was too large to hide Barry the Choppers rather… Large… Frame… But it had already been established that Major Armstrong had a very selective observational process. And so it was by sheer luck that he noticed Barry's abandoned notebook and was too distracted to see Barry himself hiding rather pathetically behind a pipe half his size.

"WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS?" he asked curiously in his booming voice.

And he flipped open the notebook.

"WHY THESE STICK FIGURES LOOK SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE MISS HAWKEYE!"

There was a long, awkward pause between the three members of the Riza Hawkeye Fanclub, and Selim and Havoc both turned their gazes on Barry.

"WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS?" Armstrong continued. "IT SAYS… 'BECOME ONE WITH BARRY THE CHOPPER'*…? WHAT COULD THAT MEAN?"

* * *

It was finished! It was finally finished!

"… Uh… Kimblee…?"

The alchemist looked up to see Liana Marshall staring at him with a very peculiar look on her face.

"Yeah?"

He wasn't fazed by the look of confusion.

"What… Is that?"

"A scale model of Central Headquarters. Made of paperclips," he shrugged, standing up from Alice's desk and stretching.

Man, no wonder that stupid secretary lady had dumped her job on him. It was so boring it had him creating things instead of destroying them!

Liana herself was thrown for a loop.

"And you built this yourself?" she asked incredulously.

Kimblee nodded absently, plucking off his white hat to crack his neck.

"That's… Really amazing. You're really talented, why didn't you do something artistic with your life instead of-"

"What I do is art," the alchemist interrupted testily, placing his hat back on his head.

Liana flushed embarrassedly, not sure how to reply, and strode from the room. Kimblee rolled his eyes and sat on the edge of the desk.

Man, this job was

B.O.R.I.N.G.

* * *

Eventually, Armstrong remembered that he was hunting bears, and decided to search the upper levels of HQ. The entire Fanclub breathed a huge sigh of relief. And then Selim threw a dangerous glare at Barry the Chopper.

* * *

After three relaxing hours and twelve cups of coffee, a cheery, energetic Alice Dawson returned to her desk. She didn't expect to see a scale model of the building (made of paperclips) on her desk. She'd expected brains and guts and scorch marks.

Oh well. There was always next time.

Alice didn't comment on the paper clip sculpture.

"Did Archer show his greasy face?" she asked.

"No," Kimblee growled. "Don't ever ask me to do this again, or I'll blow your arm off."

He stormed away with his hands shoved in his pockets. Alice shrugged, shook her head, admired her new desk ornament, and sat down.

And then Archer walked in the room with a very determined look on his thin face.

Alice Dawson proceeded to slam her forehead onto her desk repeatedly with a scream of anger.

***: This is a reference to the very awesome Jerry Jewell, who voices Barry the Chopper in the English dub of FMA. He's going to be voicing Russia from Hetalia (which makes me so, so happy!) and it needed to be referred to in my fanfiction because it is so exciting! If you don't know the 'become one' thing, well… GO WATCH HETALIA. Thanks!**


	7. The Great Bear Hunt

**A/N: Sorry for all the delay (again!)! I do not own FMA or any characters from it.**

It was a week since the beartrap incident. Armstrong had not found any bears. This didn't seem to deter him. In fact, he was putting up warning posters everywhere, and even made Miss Dawson agree to tell the Fuhrer about the 'bear alert'.

Well, she figured, anything to talk to the Fuhrer.

"Sir?" she called as he left his office to go get a cup of coffee.

"Yes, Miss Dawson?" he replied.

"I-I've been asked to w-warn you… About a 'bear alert'… Apparently… Um… Major Armstrong seems to think there… Is an infestation of bears in the building."

Bradley smiled and nodded.

"Thank you, Miss Dawson."

As he left out the door, Alice sighed wistfully.

"He has such a cute butt…"

"Yeah, he does."

Alice shrieked, scooting back from her desk.

Archer was peering out of her bottom desk drawer on the left.

"How long have you BEEN THERE?" she demanded, hysterical.

The pale man paused to think.

"Since… Last weekend, I think. Hey, I'm kind of hungry come to think of it… Do you have anything to eat?"

Alice glared piercingly.

"No!" she snapped. "Now go away!"

Despite her response, the bottom desk drawer on the right, labeled 'important files', was actually full of snacks…

Once Archer was gone, Alice reached into another desk drawer to pull out a small box. It was filled with paperclips. The Fuhrer had asked the day after the sculpture of the building on her desk became a permanent fixture, if she had made it. She figured Kimblee wouldn't want people to know he'd made it anyway, so she nodded, blushing. The next morning he'd silently handed her a box of paperclips before going into his office.

Alice melted, staring at the tiny box of office supplies again.

* * *

Meanwhile, a young man named Bill was starting his first day as a janitor at Central Headquarters. Poor, poor Bill.

The poor, innocent youngster was just trying to go get a mop, so he could clean the floor. He never saw it coming. That is to say…

He, like Miss Dawson, had the unfortunate luck of finding Mrs. Bradley and Hakuro entwined in affection. It was disturbing to see. They pulled apart when he coughed loudly.

"What are you doing in here?" Hakuro demanded, glaring.

"I-I just needed a mop!" Bill exclaimed defensively, shaking.

Hakuro gave Bill the stink eye the entire time he used to sidle around the couple and get a mop. Then Bill high-tailed it out of the closet, scarred for his poor young life.

Sadly for him, it wouldn't be the last time.

* * *

Armstrong was right. For once. Amazingly right.  
That is to say…

A bear.

There was a bear.

In Central HQ.

A bear, and he had been right.

It was a strange, strange bear.

A little cub. Wearing a cravat. And it wasn't even a nice, respectable-looking cravat. No, it was _**fifty feet long**_!

Armstrong had sworn that the tiny menace would be his rival. So he hunted all over for the bear. Set traps (not harmful ones, mind you; he still loved nature, but bears had no place in the building of the Central Military command…), crawled through ceiling vents (and damaged most of them); why, he even put on his special sneaking socks just for the occasion. But whenever he caught a flicker of white around the corner… Whoosh! The bear was gone. Armstrong just didn't understand it…

The bear, however, was very, very crafty. You see, he would let his cravat roll all the way out, and then, step on it, to roll it up as he ran. Giving the Major a false sense of hope. It was a smart plan. Which made sense given the fact…

* * *

"Miss Hawkeye, Miss Hawkeye, look at my new pet!"

And there was young Selim Bradley, holding up a tiny brown bear cub in a long, long cravat. The blonde blinked a few times, rapidly, to make sure she wasn't hallucinating.

She wasn't.

"Y-yes, he's… Very nice, Selim," she responded helplessly.

"I named him Miles! Because…"

And he whispered why in her ear.

Colonel Mustang sat across the room, trying to concentrate on signing paperwork that probably wasn't even his. But he was so curious…

"So…" Roy started casually, still signing papers. "Why is it you named him Miles?"

"Because he was wearing a cravat," Selim giggled suspiciously.

Roy sighed. He didn't get this kid. But he was sure he could figure it out somehow…

"Sir, get back to your paperwork."

Roy sighed again.

* * *

Bill was trying to scrub the memories of the General and the President's wife from his brain. It wasn't working. So he decided he'd get a nice, good cup of joe to calm his nerves.

Needless to say, he ran, screaming from the break room. Because. It was.

Fuhrer Bradley.

And General Hakuro's wife.

Making out on one of the tables.

The poor kid would never be right in the head again after his month-long internship as a janitor at the Central HQ building.

* * *

Izumi was on the hunt. She'd heard from Major Armstrong, actually. Blabbermouth that he was. Not that she wanted anything to do with the military, but… Well, if all worked according to plan, she wouldn't have to pay Mason to scare small children on Yock Island anymore. And that made Izumi very happy.

It was easy to get through the ceiling vents for some reason. Like they were stretched or something. She pulled the thought from her mind.

Finally, finally, she saw her prey.

And, pouncing, she grabbed the little ball of brown fur.

Miles the bear thrashed for a minute, but Izumi's cooing calmed him down and lulled him to sleep. Then she marched to Fuhrer Bradley's office. It only took one of her death glares to scare poor Alice into submission. Then she burst into the room.

"I'm taking the bear."

"Er, but that's my son's-"

"Taking. The. Bear. Children shouldn't play with wild animals anyway. Good day."

And out she went, taking Miles with her, and they left into the sunset. Bradley was left scratching his head. Oh well. Maybe he'd get Selim that tiger he wanted, then.

* * *

Roy was still frustrated and idea-less.

Riza wondered when he would realize that 'Miles' was 'Selim' spelled backwards.


	8. Things Get Serious

**A/N: I do not own FMA or any characters from it. Sadly for me. This is a surprisingly serious chapter. The end of the story is near. Sorry this took so long!**

"Ah, you made it."

Liana nodded.

"Yeah. Was there something you wanted to talk about, Alice?"

The secretary shook her head, fiddling with the glass of alcohol between her hands.

"It's nothing, Liana," she mumbled.

But the Lieutenant knew that tone. The tone of someone conflicted, between wanting to spill their guts and wanting to keep their problems to themselves.

"What is it, honestly, Alice?"

The redhead bit her lip.

"Do you think... We're going too far?"

It was that question that caught Liana off guard.

"What do you mean by that?"

Now, Liana had her own troubles that she wanted to discuss. But, a fellow gossiper upset was something she couldn't ignore! They had to stick together.

"I-I mean... These affairs... They're really serious. If someone finds the chart, then-"

"Then it'll be their own fault," Liana said firmly, clapping her friend on the shoulder. "They're the ones getting into affairs, ok? And no one's found it yet. I keep it locked, remember?"

Alice looked down into her glass and nodded weakly.

"Y-yeah, sorry."

"It's not something you need to apologize for," Liana told the secretary. "And if anyone does find out about the chart, I can say that I did it all myself, ok? You don't need to worry."

Then the redhead smiled, and looked up at her coworker. And then she noticed the look on the other woman's face.

"What's upsetting you?" Alice questioned, motioning the bartender to get her friend a drink.

"It's... You know that sculpture on your desk?" Liana mumbled. "Well, I saw... I mean-"

"Did something happen while I was out?"

"Yeah, I-I think I... Offended him."

"Who, Kimblee?" Alice scoffed. "So what?"

But then she saw the pink flush on Liana's cheeks, and slammed her forehead into the counter of the bar.

"Of all people!" she groaned weakly. "That guy? Of all people?"

"Sorry..." Liana muttered sheepishly.

"... It's your problem, not mine," Alice got out finally, taking a large gulp of her drink and shaking her head.

* * *

Fuhrer Bradley was not of the habit of walking around Headquarters randomly, no matter what many of his subordinates may think. But today he had the strangest urge to wander. And then he came upon a door. Like all the other doors (except his) it was plain. But it was cracked slightly open, and he could hear the distinct voice of one Crimson Alchemist on the other side.

He hadn't had a real chance to speak to Crimson after his release... After all, most of the communicating had been done through Pride. So, he figured, why not? He was bored enough to speak with a human like that; what a total freak... It would make things interesting at least, he supposed.

But as he opened the door, it was not the alchemist that caught his eye, but a large piece of paper that took up much of the opposite wall. Names upon names; his name, generals, colonels, even lieutenants. And his wife's name. Lines connecting them in a pattern he couldn't decipher until his eyes reached the title of the chart. 'Affair Chart' it said. And even if he was a homunculus, and therefore above humans, he was still Wrath, and his blood began to boil.

When his visible eye settled on Kimblee, he was seeing red, but in control of himself enough to notice something... Off.

He wasn't grinning.

The psychotic Crimson Alchemist was not grinning that sick grin he always wore. It simply wasn't there.

"Crimson."

The man whirled around, and the pen in his hand exploded in a shower of ink. With an angry groan, Kimblee shook himself off, slopping ink in every direction.

"What?" he spat finally, gold eyes sharp and annoyed.

"What is this?" Bradley asked coldly, getting back to his original train of thought.

Kimblee sneered.

"Some chart. Lieutenant Marshall made it."

Bradley's anger started to quell as his eyes traced the chart. Humans... They were such despicable, sinful things. And he wanted to laugh. Because. He was just the same as they were, wasn't he.

The hand he had on the hilt of his sword dropped to his side.

"As you were, Lieutenant Colonel."

And Bradley walked off.

Kimblee stared blankly after him. And in that moment, he heard the desk beside him slide apart and crash to the floor, sliced cleanly in two.

He swore.

And Zolf Kimblee decided that things in Central were not quiet _at all_. And if something disturbed even him, the so-called 'mad bomber', than he would be better off getting out of Central Headquarters and back to that God-forsaken prison.

* * *

Riza took Roy's hand gently, almost cautiously. And he smiled at her; a real smile, not that seducing grin he gave to most women. And that's how Riza knew that he cared.

It was a bittersweet feeling. Because it meant that she put him in danger. That people could exploit their relationship to hurt him. And that was something Riza would never want.

It was only their second 'date'. Nothing romantic. Nothing that could make their relationship open or public. Neither of them wanted that. Especially not with the ominous feeling hanging over the whole military.

And they were right for that. Because a very angry homunculus, in the guise of an innocent, unassuming child, was glowering from the shadows.

Selim Bradley was _very_ upset with her...


	9. The End

**A/N: I do not own FMA or any characters from it. Once again, it has been a while since my last update, huh...?**

It was in fact a mere coincidence...

A coincidence that the day he had learned of the Affair Chart had been the day before Fuhrer Bradley's anniversary. Not that anyone knew this, least of all Zolf Kimblee. And even if he had known this, it wouldn't have bothered him much.

The Fuhrer was a homunculus... So what would an anniversary mean to him, after all? But Bradley had, unbeknownst to this man, chosen his own wife. Chosen her not for her ideal personality for being the Fuhrer President's wife. Not just because she was trusting, and would accept Pride as if he were her own son readily and without question. But because he had, by some emotion he himself could not explain, wanted her to be his wife.

And now, he was filled with another emotion he couldn't quite explain. A mix of shame and disgust. Shame for his own actions... Disgust for his wife's. And it was with this in mind that he caught Mrs. Hakuro at the doors of Central Headquarters, with a charming smile.

This did not escape the attention of his own wife, who witnessed such an incident as she herself was walking up to HQ. And it tore at her. She dodged past him and locked herself in an empty room. An empty room except for one thing... That thing.

The Affair Chart.

And Rosaline stared at it, tears coming to her eyes as her gaze flashed between every line, every name... And it hurt, it hurt... With a choked cry, she dashed her fists against the chart, clawing at it. But the card-stock paper refused to yield under her small, soft fingers. In the end, she attempted to compose herself, and calmly left the room.

* * *

Liana searched that morning... It shouldn't have been that hard to find the Crimson Alchemist... After all, they did have the same boss! They should have been seeing more of each other than the few glimpses here and there. Yet she was never able to, or perhaps too afraid to, stop him in the few seconds when she had the chance. And so she worked silently on paperwork, head bowed over her hand as it scratched words into the paper.

* * *

It seemed that the only two people in the entirety of Central HQ who were not in a deep misunderstanding were Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye. But they weren't exactly safe, what with a jealous Pride running around... Not that they had any inkling of that...

No, they had no idea at all... And Pride couldn't tell if that made him angrier or if he took a sick sort of glee in knowing that they wouldn't even know what hit them...

* * *

Alice Dawson was watching everything play out that day, you could say. She got the distinct feeling that something was wrong. No... More like everything was wrong all at once. And even she, secretary extraordinaire, could not fix everyone's problems...

But she would do the best she could. And when a red-eyed Mrs. Bradley appeared at the office doors when Alice clearly knew the man himself was not there, she paged him quite urgently over the loudspeakers.

He responded rather quickly, actually, and the married couple hurried into Bradley's office. Alice knew that this was probably not something for her to butt into... It was far more serious than anything between the President and First Lady had ever been, and she knew they needed to sort things out. Alice decided to take a walk around Headquarters to see what else was wrong...

If the Affair Chart was at fault, was the cause of this... It was something that she had to fix. As an added measure, when she saw Major Armstrong with his arms full of flower bouquets, she made it a note to tell him that it was Mr. and Mrs. Bradley's anniversary, and mightn't he take them some of those flowers? It was a risky move, but he would at least break the tension... And flowers would do them both good. As much as Alice coveted the Fuhrer President and his wife separately, she would do anything to protect their relationship with each other.

Meanwhile in the Fuhrer's office, the President and First Lady were having a very terse argument. Mrs. Bradley's voice had grown shrill and choked.

"… Not only are you cheating on me… But you… You have the INDECENCY to be with a different woman on OUR ANNIVERSARY! You- You-!"

But King Bradley never found out exactly what he was. Because at that moment…

"HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! PLEASE, ACCEPT THESE FLOWERS, A VARIETY GROWN IN THE GARDENS OF THE ARMSTRONGS FOR GENERATIONS! THEY ARE SURE TO BRING JOY AND HAPPINESS TO ANYONE WHO BEHOLDS THEM!"

The Fuhrer and his wife just stared blankly at the muscled man, whose huge arms were filled with equally huge bouquets of pink and yellow roses.

"Yes, thank you," Fuhrer Bradley said finally, grabbing one of the bouquets and directing Armstrong to set the rest of them on top of the desk.

Then, Bradley waited patiently for Armstrong to take his leave. The man didn't seem to take the hint.

"WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY! WOULDN'T YOU AGREE, SIR? IT MUST BE BECAUSE OF THE DEEP AND TREASURED LOVE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR WIFE!"

Bradley smiled pleasantly.

"Major Armstrong… Have you ever wondered why you aren't promoted?"

Miraculously, the muscled man stayed silent.

"You may just find out if you don't leave in the next ten seconds."

"… WELL, I'D BEST BE ON MY WAY, MUCH WORK TO DO!" Armstrong laughed nervously, rushing from the room.

Fuhrer Bradley sighed, turning to his wife and handing her the single bouquet in his hands.

"I… I want you to know… That I didn't want this to happen. I apologize for the way I hurt you… But I'm always so busy, and I never see you… None of those women… Were anything to me. And I hope it's the same with all of the men you were with."

His voice failed him, and he couldn't say any more, lapsing into silence.

* * *

On the other side of the building, Selim was stalking his victims. He hoped they would be very surprised and upset, when they realized... And he hoped that they would beg for each others' lives... Roy for Riza's, and Riza for Roy's...

Oh, yes... Revenge would be swee-

Armstrong. It was Major Alex Louise Armstrong. He was the person to foil young Selim's plot.

"AH, YOUNG SELIM BRADLEY! YOUR PARENTS ARE UP IN YOUR FATHER'S OFFICE. WHY DON'T I ESCORT YOU THERE AND THE NICE RED-HEADED SECRETARY WHOSE NAME MOMENTARILY ESCAPES ME CAN WATCH OVER YOU UNTIL YOUR PARENTS ARE FINISHED SPEAKING!"

And unless he wanted to expose his secret, which Father would be furious about, he had no chance against the sheer muscly power of Major Armstrong. So he was carted to Wrath's office, farther and farther away from his would-be victims with each step.

And he would get a severe tongue-lashing from Father later for letting silly human emotions like jealousy and 'love' get the better of him. So Roy and Riza were quite safe for much longer than Armstrong's unintentional intervention.

* * *

Colonel Archer was getting downright annoyed. Yes, so the Crimson Alchemist was already obnoxious enough, and Lt. Marshall was a complete handful... But the way they were sidestepping each other was not only annoying, it slowed down their productivity! And if there was anything that Frank Archer hated more than Roy Mustang, it was looking bad because of useless subordinates! And so, though they had been fighting since she had been appointed, he took Alice Dawson up on her offer immediately. He would help with anything if it would stop his subordinates from being both annoying _and_ lazy! He could only handle one of those at a time!

* * *

Alice Dawson had a plan. Oh, she had such a plan! After all, the Fuhrer President and his wife were taken well care of; Armstrong's no-doubt awkward intervention would have shaken things up enough to get them on the right foot. Now she just had to worry about Liana.

It had taken a bit of creativity, and the humbleness to ask for help from her sworn nemesis, so she was determined that Liana be grateful for the lengths that Alice had gone. All the elements of her plan (including Bill the janitor intern, Colonel Archer, and herself) were in place. Now, they just needed to start.

First, she allowed Archer to use the precious button on her desk connected to all of the speakers in the entire building.

"Marshall and Crimson, to my office now."

And, even as volatile as either of the two could be, they would not dare defy a direct order like that. This was what Alice's plan counted on. The two of them returned quickly to Archer's office, where Bill was waiting.

Luckily for Alice and her plan, Liana and Kimblee were approaching the office at about the same time, and from opposite directions. Otherwise her plan (which wasn't as brilliant and well-thought-out as she had first suspected) would have gone horribly wrong.

Bill wasn't exactly a wonderful actor, but his loud whistling was innocent enough, and Liana was too distracted to really take notice of him. As he swished out his broom in front of her legs, he had to cringe to stop himself from apologizing for purposely tripping her.

As for Liana, she tumbled forward just in time for her coworker to trip a wire that sent both she and Kimblee catapulting into the air in a crudely made net. As the two of them struggled to find a way down, Alice was patting herself on the back happily, and Archer was wondering what exactly the outcome of this scheme was supposed to be.

* * *

Liana was thoroughly embarrassed. Not only had she tripped like a complete idiot, she was now trapped in a net dangling three feet from the ground with her frienemy, coworker, and kinda-sorta-crush. How one person could be all three was mystifying, but Liana was too busy trying to find a way to cut the net that she didn't have time to ponder such deep thoughts.

After a moment, she noticed that her fellow captive was doing absolutely nothing to help them get out of their predicament.

"Really?" she demanded, pulling on his ponytail. "Are you just content to be stuck up here in this awkward position forever?"

"That hurt," he growled in return, grabbing her wrist angrily. "Anyway, unless you want me to make this net spontaneously combust, I don't exactly have a way to get us down."

Liana's scowl deepened, and she yanked her arm away from him. It was obvious he was still angry about her comment the other day.

"Look, we're never gonna get down from here unless we work together, you know. Grab my gun, I can't reach it when I'm all folded up here like a pretzel."

He did so with ease, but just as she was beginning to tell him to shoot out the cable at the top of the net, she found herself staring down the barrel of her own gun. Immediately, she was tense, trying to think of any possible way to disarm the alchemist without getting shot or blown up.

* * *

Rosaline Bradley's eyes welled with tears, and she pulled her husband into her arms, sobbing. They stayed like that for a long time, enjoying each other's company, letting their breathing and their embrace do the communicating for them.

"I'm sorry, King..." Rosaline said at last, wiping tears from her eyes. "We were both... I can't believe that I ever..."

"I can't believe what I did either," her husband replied, and the two kissed chastely.

"Never again," he whispered in her ear.

And then, smiling, the two of them exited the office to spend their anniversary away from Central Headquarters and all of the headaches it represented.

* * *

Now, Zolf Kimblee was not one for unnecessary violence, which was a complete lie by the way. But he wasn't stupid enough to shoot his own coworker in cold blood. Well, at least while they were still in the office. I mean, really, he was playing nice so that he could get as far away from that cramped hellhole of a prison as possible, right? Why ruin it now?

But the look on Lt. Marshall's face was downright amusing. He kind of wondered what it would be like to pull the trigger and kill her, even as he knew he would never do it. With a slight flick of his hand, he shot, and the rope holding up the net they were trapped in snapped.

The two of them fell to the ground with a thud that left the alchemist's back stinging, but he calmly picked himself up, grabbing Liana's arm to haul her to her feet as well. She was stammering and blinking at him owlishly, her mouth opening and closing in surprise. She looked like a fish.

He wanted to laugh, but at the same time, her shock was a little annoying. After all...

"C'mon, stupid. I have something to show you."

And he led the silent Lieutenant to a room and opened the door. Along the wall was the affair chart, and he yanked her forward and pointed to a particular spot on the chart. A single red line, spanning between two names. It was, of course, a line that Liana had seen before, but had tried to forget about many times. She didn't like the way that a single line could make her red-faced and embarrassed.

It was the line connecting her name to his.

"Do you remember who drew this line?" Kimblee asked tersely.

"... You did," Liana answered, looking away.

"Exactly."

* * *

And as the two leaned towards each other, Alice Dawson grinned to herself and shut the door quietly. The perfect plan indeed.

And then she realized that her hand was connected to that of her arch rival. His pale face was especially flushed, and Alice decided that maybe her nemesis wasn't so bad as long as he wasn't trying to take Bradley from her and Rosaline. Yeah, maybe she could deal with this guy a little longer.

And though not all of them noticed, everyone was hooked up nice and sweetly.

_Mission Accomplished._


End file.
